Was really struggling for a few days...been at this since 2/23/10 and 48.4 lost so far. The drama of planning a wedding for my daughter started getting to me...then I got a call about some health tests that weren't good and further testing is needed (I've never had health problems!). That sent me over the edge. Last... night however, I had an AHA! moment...LIFE is going to happen and STRESS is always going to be there! Over eating is NOT going to releive my stress, it will only repress it, and the consequential weight gain will only add to it!! I am resolved to learning positive, healthy, productive ways to handle this stress and will no longer let myself indulge in bingeful pity parties! I've come TOO far to turn back now! I don't regret the past couple days of over indulgence...they helped me come to a deeper level of emotional health!

coming out of the funk...

Seems my "funk" is lifting. Feeling MUCH better emotionally! THANK GOD! Hurt a muscle in my shoulder/back this morning however! OUCH! Very painful...Ibuprofen is helping.

Went to WW weigh in, but didn't stay for the meeting, due to pain. Lost 1.8 this week for a total of 47.4 pounds in 21 weeks! VERY happy with that and I'm right on target for hitting 50 off by my 42nd birthday in two weeks!

Nothing much exciting going on around here really. Right now, just trying to get the final touches on school admission and TRYING to get financial aide to give me a student loan! Sheeesh it's SO complicated! There so much bureaucratic red tape, it's a wonder ANYONE ever goes to college at all! But anything worth doing, is going to take WORK!

Going to San Antonio TX with Jon in a few weeks. He's going for work...I'm going for R&R at a 5 star resort, paid for BY his work! Yeah baby! So grateful that my mom could come in and take care of the kids while we're gone. I've never been to Texas! Can't wait to have authentic Tex-Mex...walk the river walk...float in an inner tube around the resort lazy river...read...and relax...because right after I get back...school begins for me! So exciting!!!

Well....that's all for now folks ;)

hmmmm

My Goodness! I'm starting to wonder if I'm bipolar! Things were going great...actually, things are still "going" pretty darn well...but I FEEL miserable! I'm down...cranky...irritable!

I've really been paying attention to my "mood swings" lately and think I need to take the next step and keep a calendar. Mark good days and bad days and see if there's a cycle to it. I'd like to say it's hormonal, and I CAN guarantee a big emotional shift monthly, but it seems that isn't the only time I shift. I REALLY don't want to go on meds, but if my own efforts don't start to pay off soon, I'll have to have a talk with the doc!

Well, being self aware has helped me keep my mouth in check! I don't automatically jump down someones throat and blame them for the way I'm feeling. That's progress!

WW's is going well. Had a splurge day yesterday and still feel yucky today. I get less and less afraid of the occasional splurge day now. If I had one in the past, I'd be afraid I'd start the cycle of gaining weight back. But today, I'm here, eating my yogurt, knowing it will be a good day on program.

I guess I don't do WW to the "t"...pretty darn close tho! There ARE days I don't track! I just eat what I want and in the quantity I want. Those days are RARE...maybe once a month. So far I'm averaging 2.3 pounds per week...so I don't think it's hurting me. See, what I'm trying to keep in mind is "How do skinny people eat?". My best friend is VERY thin! And she generally eats small portions a few times per day...and once in a while...she'll go out and have a splurge! She doesn't really give it much thought...it's just how she eats. So, I'm seriously trying to "mimic" her approach to food to some degree.

I think the monthly splurges are good for me for a number of reasons. 1) It keeps my body guessing. My body never thinks it's being underfed because I make darn sure it gets a good stuffing every once in a blue moon. 2) For my mental health! After weeks on program, tracking, tracking, tracking...every bite...every morsel....I start to go a little nutzo! By the end of splurge day I am only TOO thankful for WW and am only too happy to track again and stick to program! 3) Just cuz I wanna!!! Yes, I got fat by eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it, in any quantity I wanted! The difference here is...I only do this on rare occasion now. This is working for me...and until it no longer works, I ain't gonna fix it!

I don't recommend this to others...because many others aren't to a point in their lives where they can stop once they start! I was never at that point before now.

Well, the next splurge is already scheduled for next month...I'm going to San Antonio with my husband. Never been there before and I'm gonna have some AUTHENTIC TEX-MEX! So...I will stay the course until that time!!

Long time...not write...

Life's been kinda busy and haven't written in a couple of weeks. In those two weeks, however, I've lost 4.6 pounds, for a total of 45.6 pounds gone!!! Got my 45 pound star. Very good feeling. My next goal is to earn my 50 pound medal in three weeks for my Aug 3rd WI. I'll turn 42 on Aug 2nd and wanted to have 50 off by my birthday. Only need an average of 1.4 pounds per week to make it...I think it can be done!

Here's the problem. I'm right on target for all of my goals...weight loss, school, life in general...and I'm suddenly filled with panic and fear of failure!!! And what does that fear trigger??? That's right! My appetite!!! I had SUCH a hard time last evening!!! I wanted to eat everything in sight!!!! I ate 6 of my extra weekly points...walked off 4 of them! Today I need to get a grip!!! Life is going really well. My marriage is better than ever, my kids are happy, my health is good. Why am I so afraid it will all come crashing down??? Self sabotage is a *itch huh!?

Well, it does help to sit and write about it. Just getting the feelings out there, reading them, and facing them is very empowering!

It's OK if someone doesn't like me...

Wrote this as my facebook status...but know I'll need to remind myself of it from time to time. So I decided to memorialize it here :)

*Deep breath in...* It's OK if someone doesn't like me! *Deep breath out*

I'm sassy... free spirited... strong willed... opinionated... passionate... caring... stubborn... quick witted... loyal... salty... I own up to my mistakes, I try to learn from them. I am polite and I am honest. If that doesn't meet up to someones expectations, I'll have to leave that with them...

Gonna accept that I can't be all things to all people and let others problems remain their problems. Will close the door, but will be only too happy to open it back up if you com a'knockin. Gonna let the past stay in the past and wash my hands of those who've washed their hands of me. I choose to be content with the personality God created in me and will ever strive to be conformed to HIS image and not the image I think others want to see!

Still here...

No...I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, although at times I felt I would have liked to!!! After returning from visiting my family back east, I got very sick. I think it's pretty well over, but I've thought that a couple of times only to be slammed again in the afternoon! We shall see!

OK...Vacation weigh in, I actually lost .2 pounds! Not too shabby! I went to this weeks weigh in, in spite of my fever and aches (I know, not very thoughtful!) and dropped another 2.6 pounds! It wasn't due to sickeness, because I had just started feeling icky the night before! So...yay me for getting back on track after vacay and shedding more pounds! Got my 40 pound sticker and have lost 41 pounds since Feb 23rd 2010!

A lot is going on at our house...our daughter who is engaged, moved her wedding date from next summer to 11/27/2010!!!! It's gonna be an interesting few months around here!!! We're both starting school this fall. She took a year off to go to boot camp and AIT for her National Guard requirements and I took a couple of decades off to have babies! LOL! So, with a new school schedule, her job, my family, and planning a wedding...life will be lively to say the least!

Well...that's all I have for now. Hope to write something more interesting in the days to come!

Weigh in day...YIKES!

Well, been on vacation and admittedly haven't given too much thought to WW. I'll still go and weigh in today, but won't be devastated if I see a gain. Gotta keep it all in perspective! I'm looking at the BIG picture and quite frankly a loss or gain of two pounds doesn't make or break any diet. It's the consistent downward direction the scale (and dress size) that matter. It's consistently gone down for months now and one small gain will not break all my progress.

No, I'm seriously not trying to "convince myself here". Just blogging my thoughts regarding my journey. Although I have a teeeeeeny tiny follower base, it may just be an encouragement to someone else.

For example: Say you're taking a road trip of 1000 miles. You get a little lost, but eventually find your way back to the right road. Ok, so it took you 1050 miles to make that 1000 mile trip. BUT, you don't say..."Dang it! I got off the right road and I'll never find my way back...just forget it!" NO! You get directions and get back on the road. OK, so it took you a little longer, but you still made it to your destination AND perhaps saw a little different scenery along the way.

Weight loss is no different really. Everyone gets a little lost on their journey! Some get to goal weight without ever wavering from their diet. That's great for them. But the journey doesn't end there and we all still have to navigate life and learn its lessons...and at times, we'll get a little lost. Choosing to find your way back to the "right road" is what will ultimately determine long term success.

So, if anyone out there is reading this...thanks for sharing my journey with me. My so-call epiphany's aren't anything new or special, but they're changing my life little by little and I appreciate you sharing it with me.