Was really struggling for a few days...been at this since 2/23/10 and 48.4 lost so far. The drama of planning a wedding for my daughter started getting to me...then I got a call about some health tests that weren't good and further testing is needed (I've never had health problems!). That sent me over the edge. Last... night however, I had an AHA! moment...LIFE is going to happen and STRESS is always going to be there! Over eating is NOT going to releive my stress, it will only repress it, and the consequential weight gain will only add to it!! I am resolved to learning positive, healthy, productive ways to handle this stress and will no longer let myself indulge in bingeful pity parties! I've come TOO far to turn back now! I don't regret the past couple days of over indulgence...they helped me come to a deeper level of emotional health!

coming out of the funk...

Seems my "funk" is lifting. Feeling MUCH better emotionally! THANK GOD! Hurt a muscle in my shoulder/back this morning however! OUCH! Very painful...Ibuprofen is helping.

Went to WW weigh in, but didn't stay for the meeting, due to pain. Lost 1.8 this week for a total of 47.4 pounds in 21 weeks! VERY happy with that and I'm right on target for hitting 50 off by my 42nd birthday in two weeks!

Nothing much exciting going on around here really. Right now, just trying to get the final touches on school admission and TRYING to get financial aide to give me a student loan! Sheeesh it's SO complicated! There so much bureaucratic red tape, it's a wonder ANYONE ever goes to college at all! But anything worth doing, is going to take WORK!

Going to San Antonio TX with Jon in a few weeks. He's going for work...I'm going for R&R at a 5 star resort, paid for BY his work! Yeah baby! So grateful that my mom could come in and take care of the kids while we're gone. I've never been to Texas! Can't wait to have authentic Tex-Mex...walk the river walk...float in an inner tube around the resort lazy river...read...and relax...because right after I get back...school begins for me! So exciting!!!

Well....that's all for now folks ;)

hmmmm

My Goodness! I'm starting to wonder if I'm bipolar! Things were going great...actually, things are still "going" pretty darn well...but I FEEL miserable! I'm down...cranky...irritable!

I've really been paying attention to my "mood swings" lately and think I need to take the next step and keep a calendar. Mark good days and bad days and see if there's a cycle to it. I'd like to say it's hormonal, and I CAN guarantee a big emotional shift monthly, but it seems that isn't the only time I shift. I REALLY don't want to go on meds, but if my own efforts don't start to pay off soon, I'll have to have a talk with the doc!

Well, being self aware has helped me keep my mouth in check! I don't automatically jump down someones throat and blame them for the way I'm feeling. That's progress!

WW's is going well. Had a splurge day yesterday and still feel yucky today. I get less and less afraid of the occasional splurge day now. If I had one in the past, I'd be afraid I'd start the cycle of gaining weight back. But today, I'm here, eating my yogurt, knowing it will be a good day on program.

I guess I don't do WW to the "t"...pretty darn close tho! There ARE days I don't track! I just eat what I want and in the quantity I want. Those days are RARE...maybe once a month. So far I'm averaging 2.3 pounds per week...so I don't think it's hurting me. See, what I'm trying to keep in mind is "How do skinny people eat?". My best friend is VERY thin! And she generally eats small portions a few times per day...and once in a while...she'll go out and have a splurge! She doesn't really give it much thought...it's just how she eats. So, I'm seriously trying to "mimic" her approach to food to some degree.

I think the monthly splurges are good for me for a number of reasons. 1) It keeps my body guessing. My body never thinks it's being underfed because I make darn sure it gets a good stuffing every once in a blue moon. 2) For my mental health! After weeks on program, tracking, tracking, tracking...every bite...every morsel....I start to go a little nutzo! By the end of splurge day I am only TOO thankful for WW and am only too happy to track again and stick to program! 3) Just cuz I wanna!!! Yes, I got fat by eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it, in any quantity I wanted! The difference here is...I only do this on rare occasion now. This is working for me...and until it no longer works, I ain't gonna fix it!

I don't recommend this to others...because many others aren't to a point in their lives where they can stop once they start! I was never at that point before now.

Well, the next splurge is already scheduled for next month...I'm going to San Antonio with my husband. Never been there before and I'm gonna have some AUTHENTIC TEX-MEX! So...I will stay the course until that time!!

Long time...not write...

Life's been kinda busy and haven't written in a couple of weeks. In those two weeks, however, I've lost 4.6 pounds, for a total of 45.6 pounds gone!!! Got my 45 pound star. Very good feeling. My next goal is to earn my 50 pound medal in three weeks for my Aug 3rd WI. I'll turn 42 on Aug 2nd and wanted to have 50 off by my birthday. Only need an average of 1.4 pounds per week to make it...I think it can be done!

Here's the problem. I'm right on target for all of my goals...weight loss, school, life in general...and I'm suddenly filled with panic and fear of failure!!! And what does that fear trigger??? That's right! My appetite!!! I had SUCH a hard time last evening!!! I wanted to eat everything in sight!!!! I ate 6 of my extra weekly points...walked off 4 of them! Today I need to get a grip!!! Life is going really well. My marriage is better than ever, my kids are happy, my health is good. Why am I so afraid it will all come crashing down??? Self sabotage is a *itch huh!?

Well, it does help to sit and write about it. Just getting the feelings out there, reading them, and facing them is very empowering!

It's OK if someone doesn't like me...

Wrote this as my facebook status...but know I'll need to remind myself of it from time to time. So I decided to memorialize it here :)

*Deep breath in...* It's OK if someone doesn't like me! *Deep breath out*

I'm sassy... free spirited... strong willed... opinionated... passionate... caring... stubborn... quick witted... loyal... salty... I own up to my mistakes, I try to learn from them. I am polite and I am honest. If that doesn't meet up to someones expectations, I'll have to leave that with them...

Gonna accept that I can't be all things to all people and let others problems remain their problems. Will close the door, but will be only too happy to open it back up if you com a'knockin. Gonna let the past stay in the past and wash my hands of those who've washed their hands of me. I choose to be content with the personality God created in me and will ever strive to be conformed to HIS image and not the image I think others want to see!

Still here...

No...I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, although at times I felt I would have liked to!!! After returning from visiting my family back east, I got very sick. I think it's pretty well over, but I've thought that a couple of times only to be slammed again in the afternoon! We shall see!

OK...Vacation weigh in, I actually lost .2 pounds! Not too shabby! I went to this weeks weigh in, in spite of my fever and aches (I know, not very thoughtful!) and dropped another 2.6 pounds! It wasn't due to sickeness, because I had just started feeling icky the night before! So...yay me for getting back on track after vacay and shedding more pounds! Got my 40 pound sticker and have lost 41 pounds since Feb 23rd 2010!

A lot is going on at our house...our daughter who is engaged, moved her wedding date from next summer to 11/27/2010!!!! It's gonna be an interesting few months around here!!! We're both starting school this fall. She took a year off to go to boot camp and AIT for her National Guard requirements and I took a couple of decades off to have babies! LOL! So, with a new school schedule, her job, my family, and planning a wedding...life will be lively to say the least!

Well...that's all I have for now. Hope to write something more interesting in the days to come!

Weigh in day...YIKES!

Well, been on vacation and admittedly haven't given too much thought to WW. I'll still go and weigh in today, but won't be devastated if I see a gain. Gotta keep it all in perspective! I'm looking at the BIG picture and quite frankly a loss or gain of two pounds doesn't make or break any diet. It's the consistent downward direction the scale (and dress size) that matter. It's consistently gone down for months now and one small gain will not break all my progress.

No, I'm seriously not trying to "convince myself here". Just blogging my thoughts regarding my journey. Although I have a teeeeeeny tiny follower base, it may just be an encouragement to someone else.

For example: Say you're taking a road trip of 1000 miles. You get a little lost, but eventually find your way back to the right road. Ok, so it took you 1050 miles to make that 1000 mile trip. BUT, you don't say..."Dang it! I got off the right road and I'll never find my way back...just forget it!" NO! You get directions and get back on the road. OK, so it took you a little longer, but you still made it to your destination AND perhaps saw a little different scenery along the way.

Weight loss is no different really. Everyone gets a little lost on their journey! Some get to goal weight without ever wavering from their diet. That's great for them. But the journey doesn't end there and we all still have to navigate life and learn its lessons...and at times, we'll get a little lost. Choosing to find your way back to the "right road" is what will ultimately determine long term success.

So, if anyone out there is reading this...thanks for sharing my journey with me. My so-call epiphany's aren't anything new or special, but they're changing my life little by little and I appreciate you sharing it with me.

Hitting the road...

Heading out in the VERY early morning for Delaware. It's between 18 & 20 hours! Will break it up in to two days! Not looking forward to the drive, but looking forward to seeing my family and friends!

Lost another 1.8 this week (2 last week, forgot to post it ooops!). Total of 38.4 pounds gone in 16 weeks! Looking forward to weighing in next week with my daughter! She's also doing WW and has lost over 35 pounds! She's amazing!!!

I'll miss my hubby...think he'll enjoy the bachelor life though ;) Absence makes the heart grow fonder right??? Love you baby!!!! ;0)

Chores galore

It's Saturday...chore day. I don't know WHY it comes as such a disappointing SHOCK to my kids every Saturday morning. This morning, they came and said "Mom! We did our chores. Can we go outside now?" Upon inspection, I saw they only did half (well, other than the trash being taken out, couldn't really tell they had done ANY.). So, I reminded them of what they needed to do before going outside, to which the water works began! This is pretty much every Saturday morning. BUT, once they're all finished...we're ALL much happier! They feel a sense of accomplishment and responsibility and I feel a sense of..."YAY! Less for ME to do!"

So far, this morning has been a good one emotionally. The past couple of days were really rough and yesterday was torture! Got to sleep til 8am! And I slept REALLY well last night! Probably has a lot to do with my present happy demeanor! Getting some of my own chores done...changing sheets, laundry, cleaning, etc. Took a little break to blog! I can see how this can be addicting!

Well...hoping today is a better day, emotionally and with cravings, than yesterday. I'm thankful that my hormones didn't win out and I didn't binge yesterday! Stayed on plan! So I don't have to deal with the depression that regret brings! Joyce Meyer once said "We have to choose our pain. The pain of discipline? or The pain of regret!" Glad I chose the pain of discipline! :)

You are cordially invited...

You are cordially invited to my pity party:

I HATE that I'm feeling SO emotional! I seriously just want to toss WW right out the friggin window and eat everything in sight...and some things that aren't in sight! I am SO hormonal and it seems to get worse as I get older...the hormonal spells last longer and the depression deepens. I KNOW it's chemical/hormonal, but still can't seem to reason with my appetite! "Hello appetite, this is Joyce, you're just craving because you're hormonally out of whack! Get over it." To which my appetite retorts: "I OWN you biotch! And I'm not giving up until YOU give up!" It's a terrible battle. I can sit here and say "I will WIN this battle!" But the truth is...it's minute by minute during times like this! I have ZERO strength to think about fighting this battle tonight or tomorrow...right now is all I can manage! I'm sure this is a defeatist attitude and I couldn't give a flying fart in space that it is! It would be nice if just this once I didn't have to fight so damn hard!!!

I think I will wring the neck of the next person who gives me lame-o advice whist they sit on their mountain top of self control! This very moment...I HATE WW's!!! I HATE that I can't eat whatever I want, whenever I want...I HATE that I love food so damn much! I KNOW...yes I KNOOOOOWWWW if I ate right now, it would be emotional eating...I wouldn't be eating due to hunger...but I don't CARE...I WANT to stop feeling bad and I WANT to feel GOOD! Food tastes GOOD...lots of food is even better!!!!

BUT...here is the cursed "BUT"...BUT if I will rise up from my self pity for 30 seconds, I will see that I would regret my choice to binge...that binge would last, what?, an hour or so??? Then what??? Then how do I deal with the depression from what I ate ON TOP of the depression that drove me to binge in the first place??? Oh vicious cycle!! WHEN willst thou end????????

Guess I just wrote myself into staying "food sober" for the time being :)

Another day, Another donut?

So, woke up this morning hungry. That's rare. Usually have to force a vitamuffin down just to say I ate Break-fast! It's a rainy stormy morning...makes me want minestrone soup for breakfast! But, I'll save that for lunch I think.

Can't say I feel any more "upbeat" than yesterday. It's partially hormonal and it's partially resetting my thinking patterns again. I feel lonely a lot, but I'm sure that will change once school starts. I start school mid-August and I'm SO happy to finally be getting a college education! Very proud of myself for testing out of all the college prep courses! This 41 year old has retained SOME of her high school education! LOL!

So, again I remind myself that "motivation and inspiration are fleeting...I am going to continue to live a healthy lifestyle because it's the right thing to do...not because I 'feel' like it." Yes, it's great when those moments of inspriation and motivation come my way, but I have to soldier on even when everthing in my body screams for a binge and screams to give up! This IS my choice. I CHOOSE to life healthy...sometimes in SPITE of my feelings.

Grrrrr

Ok...only a couple of hours since my last blog, but DANG I'm in an irritable mood! Gonna have to stay off the WW "support" sites for a while. I just wanna smack some people around and that's not helpful for anyone!

I mean, I do understand where most of them are coming from. I've been in their mind set many many times in the past. It's when you try to help them see it from a different perspective and they're like "uhhh, whaaaaa?" I think this has been a problem for me. I always want to help others. But for me to try to help others on a diet would be like a 16 year old teaching driver's ed! Not a good idea! Yeah, I know...we all need support. That's true! But I need to help myself. If MY journey helps someone else, that's great. But I just can't make helping others a bigger priority than helping myself. I screw myself up every time, the same way, by trying to be all things to all people. Then I get frustrated and angry...then I throw in the towel. SO, as difficult as it will be, I am going to try to take a break from answering ANY posts on the support sites (except for "good job's" when someone has a good story to tell). No more advice for the time being...heck, I don't have this thing nailed down in my own life...how can I get it to sink into another persons brain???

I refuse to stay frustrated.

New day, every day

Woke up this morning feeling really discouraged. Yesterday I used about 7.5 of my extra weekly points already. I don't know WHY this still feels like I'm cheating!! Perhaps it's because I've always saved weekly extras for the weekend and now I feel like I have less "fun" points for the weekend. Seems my mind keeps wanting to slip into "diet" thinking. I was at a place of accepting that this is a life style change, but recently, diet mentality keeps sneaking in. I guess a recovering alcoholic slips into addict mindsets too. But the way to "stay clean" is to renew my mind every day. So this morning, I am reminding myself that I am not going to live as a food addict any more! I am going to say "no" to emotional eating. I am going to be conscious of what is a craving and what is real hunger.

Sure wish it was easier. Ah well, easy or difficult, I am sticking with my choice to change my life!

A little about me...

OK...so a little about me. I'm married to Jon, for 12+ years now. I have four daughters. Krystina 21 and Megan 19, both from a previous marriage; AND Emily 10 and Amy 8 with, Jon. I've been primarily a stay at home mom since Emily was born. Now, I am going to school in the fall to study Medical Assisting. I'm VERY excited!

I've been over weight all my life. Just a little chubby as a child, but being the ONLY chubby kids in the neighborhood, I was relentlessly teased. Therefore I thought I was a huge social misfit! I've always used humor to compensate for my lack of self esteem. Although I'm still full of humor, I can be very serious as well. I didn't get seriously fat until my senior year of high school where I breached 220 pounds!

This past February 23, 2010, Jon and I joined Weight Watchers together. This has been a very important part of my journey. I weighed in at 269.4 lbs - 2/23/10. As of 6/1/10 I weighed in at 234.8 - a 34.6 lbs loss thus far! I am 5'6, 41 years old.

Funny thing is, in the past, diets were all about getting skinny as fast as possible so I could finally be accepted and appreciated! This time, I'm really enjoying the journey. I'm not so focused on the end goal. Oh, I want to reach 150, but the time frame isn't nearly as important this time around. I must admit however, Megan is getting married July 2011 and I'd love to be at goal by then. But, if I am 10-20 pounds out from goal, I'd still be smokin'! :)

I'm learning that I am beautiful, inside and out. I'm letting myself believe that I can be the person I've always wanted to be.

Well...it's time to start the day. :)

First Blog Ever

So, this is my first Blog ever. Been on somewhat of a "journey to self discovery" for close to a year now. As such, been making some major life changes.

I suppose this blog will mainly be my journey of weight loss and to emotional healing. I'm realizing that I haven't been unhappy because I'm fat...rather, I'm fat because I've been unhappy. I am taking steps towards emotional healing and as I do, the weight loss efforts get easier and easier.

So, I'll be stopping in regularly to post my thoughts, discoveries, victories, and challanges.